Personally if I'd been the dog in that situation I would have offered Garfield a choice. Perhaps: "Fetch me my bone or leave."

Having now spent a little time reading about education, at university sessions and in school itself I've started to understand teacherspeak. For instance:

"Neil has low attainment levels" means: Neil is retarded, I wish he was in someone else's class.

"Class 9C are challenging" means: Class 9C are bastards.

"Becky, would you like to explain to the class how you got your answer?" means: I'll be damned if I know what's going on.

"Open your textbooks and work quietly for the rest of the lesson" means: I'm hungover.

"I don't think it's any of your business whether I..." means: Damn! They're on to me!

Walking out of school on Friday I thought to myself how pleased I was with how the first week of my placement had gone. I smiled as I left the gates and headed towards my car parked in the visitors' car park.

I rounded a corner and there stood a dozen pupils smoking, possibly because it's going out of fashion.
"Oh Shit!" they say
Oh Shit, I think. I looked at them completely confused, not at all sure what to do. I don't know how to deal with smokers. I left school a few years ago, maybe they're allowed to smoke, and besides, it's Friday afternoon and I want to go home!
"Is he a teacher?" sneered one particularly unpleasant individual.
Am I a teacher? Oh, God! Do I have to be a teacher?
"Are you a teacher?" he says as he turns his attention to me. Damn! why did I have to park here?
"Er, yeah. Look, is there really any point in me saying anything?"
"Here mate, do you want some?" particularly unpleasant individual proffers a cigarette.
"No thanks."
A girl chips in: "Aren't you gonna do owt?"
What?! Do they want me to?! Is it too late to just pretend I never even saw them? "Er, maybe you should get away from school grounds?" Look how decisive and authoritative I can be!
"We're not on school grounds!" by virtue of his tone particularly unpleasant individual upgrades himself to particularly unpleasant and aggressive individual.
Really? I'm not sure I believe him but this seems a good excuse to get out of here! Let smoking dogs die or some other suitable phrase. "Oh, okay. Whatever."
I walk away to my car. Suddenly my mood's not so upbeat. Man, I hate teenagers!

In our session this morning we were practising using whiteboards. For this we talked for ten minutes on a topic of our choice aimed at a year and set of our choice.

This process of doing this in itself was actually quite dull, but our tutor allowed for one piece of "minor mibehaviour" during each person's presentation. For a group of people training to be maths teachers it's amazing how much difficulty we had in counting to one.

There was the easy misbehavours such as phones going off, chewing gum and the inevitable "he started it!" It was the most fun we've had in ages, though it does make you worry about what to do if pupils start causing you grief during lessons. Put another way, I'm glad that I don't have to teach my coursemates, because they could be a really pest.

Splurged. As in:

Splurge Diagram: Formerly "brainstorm", until that was considered offensive to epileptics, then "mindmap" until that was thought to be offensive to cartographers, then "spider diagram" until that was thought to be offensive to people with eight legs.

To be Splurged: The process by which lecturers explaining how to do assignments makes the whole situation even more confusing. See also "confused", "huh?" and "What do they want us to do again?"

The other day I was talking to a friend who's training to be a nurse. It got me thinking about the differences between the two professions:

Nurses stick needles in patients. Pupils stick needles in themselves.

Nurses take care of people. Pupils "take care of" each other.

Sexy nurses are popular. Sexy teachers are unemployed.

Nurses help victims of violence. Teachers are victims of violence.