The great thing about being a teaching is that I now have an excuse to read Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Narnia etc... I can do this because by reading them I'm getting a better insight into the things that matter to the pupils. By the same reasoning I figure I can now legitimately search on Google for Girls Aloud because most of the kids listen to them. Therefore it's necessary for me to visit websites relating to the group, all the better if they are well made sites with plenty of pictures. It's just research, no?

Tip of the day: Never, never, never let the pupils tell you a joke.

Pupil: "There was this paki..."
Me: "I'm going to have to stop you there."

Another joke finished with the punchline: "No I just can't get up the chimney with a boner."

I advised the pupil that it might be a good idea not to tell any other teachers that particukar joke.

You've heard of Assessment for Learning (or will have if you're a teacher), but in my Year 8 class there was an AyL - Awful young Lady. Here are some of the delightful/moronic things she said to me:

"I can't wait until after Christmas and we don't have to put up with you anymore."

"I'm not talking back!"

AyL: "Do we have you today sir?"
Me: "Yes, last lesson."
AyL: "Oh god!"

"Just leave!"

Me: "Leave the classroom please."
AyL: "No!" Then stands up and walk out.

"You're not a real teacher, I don't have to do what you say."

"I like your new haircut." (I said "thank you" but presumed this to be sarcasm)

I so much prefer the nice friendly pupils who just get on with their work.

With my Year 7 class I played a game of pass-the-parcel to celebrate the end of term. I was using Christmas songs to be topical and it was all going well until The Pogues and Kirsty Maccoll came on:

You’re a bum
You’re a punk
You’re an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy christmas your arse
I pray God it’s our last

Oh dear, luckily I think the skids were concentrating on the parcel so were paying as much attention to the song as they do to me.

The other day I was preparing for a Year 7 lesson in the classroom at break time. Some Year 11 pupils were in the room and started using inappropriate (or “inapport” as one of my pupils wrote of his behaviour, at least I think he meant inappropriate. Who knows? Maybe he grew up in Grimsby) language – by which I mean words like fuck and shit, not going over to France and trying to communicate by talking very loudly and slowly (a tactic often used by inexperienced maths teachers to explain algebra to 12 year olds). I turn and look at them and they asked “Are you a teacher?!”. I told them that I was. “Really? You look too young.”

Well, that explains why nobody bloody listens to me round here. I have a problem with the office staff thinking I’m a pupil. On one occasion I politely asked them for a key to a room and was greeted with a rather terse: “What do you want it for?”

“Oh I was planning on graffiti tagging the place then taking a wizz in the desk draw, then maybe chewing some gum and sticking it to the teacher’s chair.” Is the kind of sarcastic response that leads to people failing their “Professional Values and Practice” QTS standard, so I mumbled something about forgetting my bag; too embarrassed to explain that I was actually trying to teach a sodding class.

I really need to get a bit older, but as it happens I was reluctantly planning on doing this anyway.

Had a traumatic incident recently? Realy upset? Want to forget all about it and put it in the past? Not sure you can?

Well you need a student teacher!

Guaranteed to confuse you so that you not only forget why you were upset but also forget that the word "upset" even exists!

Our staff are trained to extract information from minds. Here is a list of recent achievements:

Making a year 8 class so confused that they can no longer do year 7 work.

Inadvertantly making a reasonably bright pupil think that 2x for x = 1 should be 21

Befuddling one pupil into forgetting his name.

Here is what some of our customers have to say:

"You're crap!"

"I got a level 5 in year 7, now I'm only getting a level 4."

"You're not very good at explaining this."

"I don't get it!"

Can you really get by without a student teacher?

The other day I was wondering what the best thing about teaching is. Initially I came up with: the good holidays.

I couldn't think of anything that even came close to rivalling it, but then I got a few Christmas Cards from some of my pupils. Well, that just clinches it doesn't it? Sure, sure it's really quite lovely and all that, but that's not what I mean. What I mean is that I can put them up and anyone who comes round will think I'm really popular and have loads of friends. Just so long as they don't look inside, as they might be worried about the fact that my friends address me in an extraordinarily formal mnanner, write in crayon and spell it "Crissmass".

Unfortunately I think its only cards from Year 7 that I would want to put up as the ones from year 8 might not be suitable. I can't say I particularly want to put cards saying "Die scumbag, you suck you great big loser!" on the mantelpiece.

Why are pupils so obsessed with finding out teachers' first names?

Pupils: "What's your real name sir?"
Me: "You think I'm using a pseudonym?"
....
Blank Expressions
....
Me: "A made up name."
Pupils: "Steve, Barry, Chris, it's Chris isn't it?"
Me (smiling): "Nope" (it really isn't)
Pupils: "Christopher, Oi! Chris!"
Me (shakes head and goes to talk to less nosey pupils)
Pupils: "Eugene?"
Eugene?!?
If only they were so enthusiastic about finding out about maths.

I'm very glad that mapping reading isn't considered an essential skill to achieve QTS as I couldn't find the test centre when going for my Numeracy test this evening.

I feel a bit like the person who tries to leave an interview via the cupboard door. Good job no one was watching.

It had to happen eventually...

Yesterday I said the f-word in front of a pupil. Fortunately the it was in the context of "I fxxxed up" rather than "shut the f*** up, you annoying little sxxx". So at least it doesn't come under the category of professional misconduct, so much as professional brain mis-fire.

"In my weaker moments I almost pity them, but then I remember: they were trying to teach"

Bart Simpson