Tip of the day: Never, never, never let the pupils tell you a joke.

Pupil: "There was this paki..."
Me: "I'm going to have to stop you there."

Another joke finished with the punchline: "No I just can't get up the chimney with a boner."

I advised the pupil that it might be a good idea not to tell any other teachers that particukar joke.

You've heard of Assessment for Learning (or will have if you're a teacher), but in my Year 8 class there was an AyL - Awful young Lady. Here are some of the delightful/moronic things she said to me:

"I can't wait until after Christmas and we don't have to put up with you anymore."

"I'm not talking back!"

AyL: "Do we have you today sir?"
Me: "Yes, last lesson."
AyL: "Oh god!"

"Just leave!"

Me: "Leave the classroom please."
AyL: "No!" Then stands up and walk out.

"You're not a real teacher, I don't have to do what you say."

"I like your new haircut." (I said "thank you" but presumed this to be sarcasm)

I so much prefer the nice friendly pupils who just get on with their work.

With my Year 7 class I played a game of pass-the-parcel to celebrate the end of term. I was using Christmas songs to be topical and it was all going well until The Pogues and Kirsty Maccoll came on:

You’re a bum
You’re a punk
You’re an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy christmas your arse
I pray God it’s our last

Oh dear, luckily I think the skids were concentrating on the parcel so were paying as much attention to the song as they do to me.