Teacher often feel the need to behave a certain way around parents - shirts are ironed, cuff-links are worn and firm handshakes are practised - similarly parents must feel the same way about teachers. All of this leads to conversations where everyone is saying what they think they ought to say, but not necessarily what they actually mean.

For instance, when a teacher says 'Bobby is doing fine', they really mean: 'I can't remember who your son is, give me a minute'

'Sarah hasn't always behaved as well as she might', means: 'Your daughter is a little hellian, please cuff her around the back of her head when you get home.'

'I think Brian could try harder', means: 'Brian is a lazy little sod'

'Do you have any questions?' means: 'Please leave now'

'Claire is a lovely pupil' means: 'I can't think of anything else to say so am just trying to pad it out a bit.'

'I'm sure Alice will get an A* in her GCSEs' means: 'Thank f*** not all my pupils are tossers'

'Well, we'll have to see how things go', means: 'I've not got a clue how things are going to go.'

I also think I'm starting to understand what parents are saying, for instance: 'I think it's a personality clash' means: 'I think the sun shines out of my child's behind so can't believe they could possibly be at fault. I also think you're wanker but am too polite to say so.'

'I think my child should be doing the higher paper', means: 'I can't believe my child hasn't won a nobel prize yet.'