Hello, is that Mrs Smith? This is Mr Pythagoras, Bobby's maths teacher, I need to speak to you about his behaviour...

The staff are paranoid about what the new head has in store. However we have an advantage in that we at least get concrete information - most of the time at least - whereas the pupils rely on hearsay. My year tens were asking whether we were going to go back to shirts, ties and blazers. The way I put it to them was that it was the first I'd heard about it. Admittedly I do have a habit of glazing over during morning briefing but I'm sure I'd have picked up on something that big.

They were also asking if she's going to ban make-up. Which isn't a bad idea in my book, especially as most girls at our school haven't realised that it is possible to wear make-up without making yourself look like a whore.

It makes me wonder where these rumours come from. I guess it's all chinese whispers but I reckon there's fun to be had. I could 'accidentally' let slip that someone in the school wants to bring back the cane or send naughty children out round the running track in freezing cold weather as a punishment. Okay so I our headteacher is unlikely to suggest such things but I'm sure that there's some old-school teacher out there who would agree with those ideas so I wouldn't technically be lieing. If the pupils choose to think that means they'll be getting caned then that's up to them.