I have a love/hate relationship with my year nines. I love the girls and hate the boys. It's very cut and dry, each lesson the girls come in all polite and want to get on with their work. The boys come in bouncing off the walls in the corridor and shouting at the top of their voices. It's report writing season and I'm noticing a massive contrast in my words, though of course I'm having to watch what I say:

zzzzzzzz has not impressed in maths this year. Unfortunately I have found him to cause many problems. He is very disruptive and frequently distracts other pupils from their work. He is sat on his own in lessons but will still call out across the room to start a conversation. It takes much effort on my part to get him to face the correct way in lessons; he always wants to have a debate about it. He has had a very negative impact on the classroom environment and has harmed the education of other pupils.

Translates as: zzzzzzzz is a little shit. He's driven me up the wall. He can't sit still for more than a minute and, get this, he stops other pupils from working. I'd like to try sensory depravation on him but I still think he'd disrupt the lessons. I've even thought about glueing him to his seat just to get him facing the front. He'd argue black was white. If our SATs results aren't as high as I'd like I'm blaming him.

Some pupils just come to the lesson and get on with their work. It's hard to think of what to say.

xxxxxxxx has worked very hard in maths this year. She has made good progress and always given her maximum effort to the work. She takes care to make sure that her work is neat and that it is set out with the correct method. This is important as it helps with revising for exams. Homework is always done on time and this good attitude will serve her well in the future and help her to be successful at the subject.

Translates as: xxxxxxxx has not given me any grief this year. She has made good progress and in spite of not being the sharpest tool in the box does try hard, bless her. She's got neat handwriting, which makes her book easy to mark. Er... Something about exams. Something about homework. Meaningless waffle about her being a good well-rounded kid. A load of nonsense about the future and success. Right. Next.

Then there are the reports that are quite fun to write. About the kids you get on really well with.

yyyyyyyy has been absolutely brilliant in maths this year. Having taught her last year I’ve been delighted to see her taking such a mature approach to her work and getting so much done. She follows instructions well and her work is always done in the correct manner. When tasks have been set she has been determined to complete them and takes great relish in completing an exercise book and asking for a new one. This shows the pride she takes in her work and how keen she is to do well. yyyyyyyy puts her hand up to answer questions in class, is polite and all in all has been fantastic to teach.

Translates as: yyyyyyyy has been absolutely brilliant in maths this year, which is weird because when I taught her last year she was a pain. She actually listens to me when I explain something or give instructions. Amazing. She gets lots of work done and has got big handwriting. Seriously though I do like this kid. yyyyyyyy likes having all the attention but you must have raised her to have good manners because she doesn't shout out, unlike zzzzzzzz. Does she have an older sister in her twenties? I'd like to meet her.