It Shouldn't Happen to a Teacher

From: Facebook
Subject: [infamous pupil who had a managed move from our school to another] sent you a message on Facebook...

xxxxxxx sent you a message.

"Hey Up Bet u Regret Me Not been In Ya Maths Class Cos Now Guess Wat.. At yyyyyyyyy Skwl i Gt 6a Weey!! Bye ( i aint rubish anymore"

I think the 'i Gt 6a Weey' is her saying she got a level 6a in maths at her new school. I hate to sound harsh but I don't actually believe her. It'd be great if she's suddenly discovered a love of maths but I'm just being realistic.

To be honest I'm impressed that she restrained herself from calling me a wanker at any point in the message. That represents genuine progress. And it was good use of the word 'regret'.

I actually feel sort of sorry for her. I only taught her for a month or two but the thing she seems to have learnt most from her maths lessons is that she's rubbish. It's stating the obvious but that's not something we'd be wanting her to get out of lessons. I'd hope that no teacher goes into a classroom with the intention of destroying their pupils' self-esteem, but it's one of those things that can happen when your concentrating on something else.

As I understand it the managed move for this girl didn't go according to plan and she'll be making a return to our school in September.

I've now changed the privacy settings on Facebook so only my friends can message me. I don't like the idea of hundreds of fourteen year olds bombarding me with txtspk abuse, though on the plus side I don't think I'd be able to decode it anyway.

It was Thursday morning and I felt sick. Exam results are stressful for teachers too. I remember when I was a pupil teachers saying things like 'I'm not bothered what you get, I've got my GCSEs' or 'I get paid whatever results you get so it doesn't effect me'. This is a big fat lie, I care about my pupils results to the extent that I lose sleep over it.

Yes my performance management target was based on the number of Cs the group achieved, but I also knew that some pupils required a grade C in maths to get on to their college course.

As I got out of my car a pupil I'd taught in year ten shouted to me 'Sir! I got an A in maths!' This is of course fantastic. I'd given that group up at the end of year ten because my relationship with them was based on mutual loathing. The girl in question was actually one of about three I could actually stand in the group so I was pleased my teaching hadn't ruined her chances to do well.

And I was delighted with my class's results. I'd been set a target of eight grade Cs, in total we got twelve. More importantly I was able to punch the air when I read them for some of the pupils. Some of them had worked really hard and deserved their success.

In the cases where pupils hadn't gotten a C I had good excuses too: 'she's never here', 'he's bone-idle', 'he's a twat' etc...

Basically I was very pleased.

Two weeks into the Summer Holiday and I'm having serious withdrawal symptons from teaching. I'm already preparing myself for next year by sorting out lesson plans and resources. I've looked through some plans I'd done when I first started teaching and am absolutely terrified that I was going into the classroom with such things. They're so detailed that they're completely unusable, the font's barely legible - I use good ol' verdana these days - and include phrases like: hopefully the pupils should understand the work at this point and be happy. Hopefully! I might as well being writing on the board 'by the end of this lesson you might be able to add and subtract fraction, I hope' as the learning objective.

I've also thinking about how I can improve in the classroom. I've come up with a worringly long list - what have I been up to these past two years?

Still even if I'm bored I seem unable to escape my pupils. Last week one year eight tried adding me as a friend on Facebook. This is one of three categories of people I reject. Some people you reject because you have no idea who they are, some people you remember as being dickheads so have no interest in being friends with them, in such cases it's really quite satisfying. So far two pupils have attempted to add me and in such cases I feel a little bad because it's not done out of malice.

I've had several school based dreams, one featuring a bunch of year nines crammed into a Renault Espace, another featured a teacher at school. In the dream she looked like the head teacher but in real life she doesn't. Perhaps she was in disguise.

Last Saturday I was at a wedding. I swear I'd taught a girl there on one of my teaching practices. I couldn't be sure as it was two years ago and I couldn't exactly stare at her and figure it out. What could I say if her Dad asked what I was looking at. I think the phrase 'I was imagining your daughter dressed as a Catholic Schoolgirl' comes under the category of things no one should ever say.

Yesterday I was actually in the town where I teach. It was a slightly unusual experience. I came across - and avoided - some departing year elevens who are known 'characters'. Ten steps later and I had a year eight waving at me. Later I came across a Science teacher and an ICT engineer - predictably in the pub. I also saw one of my year nines spitting on the floor. Clearly we've taught him to be a well-rounded individual.

So even if I'm off school, I'm still very much caught up in it all. Whether I want to be or not.