It Shouldn't Happen to a Teacher

A couple of years ago one of the teachers from our school left to take up a position as a Deupty Head at an inner-city school. Last year he succesfully poached one of the English teachers. So his appearance at last Friday's staff party has caused paranoia amongst Senior Leadership as it was at a similar do that his poaching took place last year. It was one of my friends who left so I remember trying to gag him while he was doing his sales pitch (I was quite drunk).

Anyway, on Wednesday the Assistant Head in all sincerity asked me if I'd been tapped up for a new job. I hadn't even spoken to the poacher so I definitely hadn't been. Besides I'm very happy where I am and the thought of teaching in the inner-city terrifies me. Actually I'm quite flattered that Senior Leadership think that anyone else would want me.

After all of five rehearsals we were ready to put on the staff pantomime. When I say ready I mean that everyone had found a suitable prop to stick their script to. I hope that when the drama department gets their pupils to perform they're actually made to learn their lines.

The basis of the story was one of two kingdons: one good - Praising Stars with a respectful nod to the certificates were write each half term for a star in each class that we want to praise - and one bad, IF which normally stands for Isolation Facility, our detention centre if you like, or in this case Idle Fairies.

The evil king wanted to kidnap the good Princess, which said in such simplistic terms sounds a little like he should have come on singing 'Do you want to be in my gang, my gang, my gang...' We did two performances: one for years 7 to 9 and another straight after for years 10 to 13. The pupils watching the performances thoroughly got into the spirit of booing the villains, though sometimes a supposedly good teacher got booed too.

I had the role of a dwarf - Dopey - or Vertically Challenged Freelancer as we prefer to be called. It was nerve-racking going up on stage in front over over six hundred pupils but fortunately because we were hidden in a store room in the Sports Hall we couldn't actually see the audience until we were actually on stage. By which time it was too late to bottle it and hide behind the hockey sticks.

The two dwarves came on singing 'Hi Ho Hi Ho to IF we must go, we've got a hunch we'll lose our lunch, Hi Ho Hi Ho Hi Ho' (x2 in the script). My fellow dwarf can sing reasonably okay, but I'm completely tone deaf so when we extended the second luuuunnnnnncccchhhh I nearly sent everyone running from the room. It was really exciting coming on stage because the cheers we got were nearly deafening. Two of my year tens had promised to shout out a nickname I had earned while on a camp with them at the end of last year. They might well have done but I had no idea because they would have been completely drowned out. I was then straight into a whole I'm-better-looking-than-Prince-Charming-oh-no-you're-not-oh-yes-I-am bit, which went down really well. It's surprising how much fun you can have when hundreds of people are effectively calling you ugly.

Our part in the story was that we'd became disillusioned with helping Snow White and helped out the bad guys for a bit in exchange for money. I then had my big line of 'I could do with that gold, I need some new warhammer... I mean cool new clothes'. It's fun to laugh at yourself though I think some of the younger ones thought it was accidental admission of geekdom, whereas it was of course a deliberate one.

From there we kidnapped the Princess by wrapping her up in a net and carting her off stage. We actually picked her up and I was terrified that in the process I would somehow pull her dress down and turn it into a blue-panto. Her assurance that she had safety pins in all the right place did little to alleviate that fear but we got through it okay.

Later we were put right on the error of our ways by Doc who was played by one of the Assistant Heads. He's famous for using powerpoints and talking in assemblies about climbing out of the valley and up into the mountains. The idea being that you should try to be ambitious. I couldn't do his speech justice here but there was a whole 'you've let me down, you've let Snow White down, You've let the other dwarves down and worst of all you've let yourself down.' I was sat on the edge of the stage with head in my hands pretending to cry but in reality trying me best to cover up the laughter. It had the right effect though as when I moved my hands away I actually had tears rolling down my cheeks. It was very good of Doc to send himself up in that way.

We then helped the Prince of Praising Stars to find his sister but not before the Bennett family had made an appearance with one daughter as a geek, one as a chav and one as a goth. There would have been a fourth but for a teacher dropping out 'ill' at the last minute. It really wasn't a traditional pantomime.

We did our bowing at the end and got huge cheers. It's such an ego boost doing things like that, I could get a big head. Later on at the staff Christmas buffet my colleagues - including the Headteacher - praised my performance. I'm very young compared to most the staff at our school so am often quite shy around them. I think they were surprised that I had the confidence and sheer loudness to perform on the stage.

It was great fun but my heartbeat has only just about retunred to normal now.

My year eights are extremely immature and find fart noises funny. They have the right to be immature what with being twelve years old, but it's nice to have a joke with my year elevens who in some cases have a more sophisticated sense of humour. Even if some of them still find fart noises amusing.

It was my last lesson with them before Christmas so we were having a nice chill-out lessons featuring a vaguely maths related quiz. Most took it seriously but one group took a far more entertaining approach.

Xmas Maths Quiz

1. The number of men in the pop group Westlife + the number of Teletubbies

but half might be girls. Teletubbies aren't real sorry sir

2. The number of legs on a spider multiplied by the number of days in a week.

spider might be deformed - inequality! Who get's to decide how many days are in a week

3. The number of colours in the Union Jack times the total number of legs on a pig, penguin and python.

what if you're colour blind or even blind

4. The number of days in a leap year + the number of blind mice in the nursery rhyme.

why bring people's sight into it

5. The number of cards in a deck (excluding the jokers) multipled by the total number of fingers and thumbs on a person

why single someone out on their occupation?

6. The number of days in February (not in a leap year) divided by the number of children the Queen has.

we are the Queen's children sir. In her eyes.

7. The total number of eyes on 4 people divided by the number of countries that make up the UK

what if some people don't have eyes - this is discriminatory

8. Number of minutes in an hour - the number of hours in a day

as the beachboys said " round, round get around..."

9. Number of weeks in a year - the total number of people in a football team (not including subs)

so subs are not even worth counting? They're people too you know!

10. Number of centimetres in a metre divided by the number of the Prime Minister's house

sir I don't know, I don't stalk the prime minister

11. The number of wise men x the number of doors on a standard advent calendar

there may not be 3 because the bible never actually says. Who gets to decide who is wise or not?

12. The number of boys in the class squared

what if there are pupils with no specefic genger

13. The number of degrees latitude at the equator x the number of year nine pupils at our school.

The people in year nine don't count as people at all

14. The number of degrees in a right angle divided by the number of lessons before lunch

what's wrong with the left angle

15. The number of sides on a hexagon x the number of metres in a kilometre

In the words of Boris Johnson, get rid of the bendy buses

16. The number of pairs of parallel sides on a parallelogram x number of sides with equal length on an isosceles triangle

how long is a piece of string?

17. The number of girls in the class x the number of letters in mathematics

again sir. some people may not have a specific gender. SEGREGATION

18. The number of lesson in a week divided by the first prime number.

why rank numbers, who decides which number comes first or last?

19. Jesus' birthday x the number of gifts the wise men brought.

I don't see why the quantity of gifts is an issue... it's the thought that counts. quality not quantity

20. The total number of legs in the first five days of Christmas

2 because I don't grow extra legs for Christmas

Pure genius.

In schools everything goes a bit mad in the run up to Christmas. The kids really struggle to keep a lid on it, which is unfortunate as the teachers are at their most tired and irritable. It's a dangerous combination. Lessons tend to vary from being completely out of control to being nice relaxing seasonal activities. My year nines fell into the former category with one pupil coming into the room and saying 'if you think I'm doing that you've got another think coming'. When I told her to wait outside she told me it was shit and I was a knob. Lovely girl.

My year sevens this morning were the complete opposite, full of Christmas cheer, but this was complemented by their seemingly endless enthusiasm. I know it's supposed to be my job to inspire my pupils but with this class it seems to be the other way around. They're so bright and keen that I can hardly set them enough work. They really are amazing, I can't believe how much untapped potential they have.

This lunch was the Christmas dinner. In our school each form sits together and gets to decorate their table in the dining hall. It makes it a much more special event than the Dinner staff serving turkey instead of chicken. It means the Christmas vibe reaches a crescendo with three more days to go and never relents.

The kids love it and we would too if only we had time to take it all in. It's an extended lunch to allow time for eveyrone to be fed. I had hoped to have some time to get things ready for the next day but afterwards some of my class came back up to the form room. I gave them some Christmassy activities to keep them busy. They were then joined by some of my year tens who in spite of having maths immediately afterwards couldn't wait to come and see me. It's tiring because I have to be as charming as possible towards them. I do actually quite like them but sometimes at lunch it's nice to have a break and not worry about being nice all the time. I quite like that my pupils seem to quite enjoy talking to me but it's definitely draining having hundreds of people demanding your attention so much.

After school it was another panto rehearsal. It's getting closer and closer and I'm getting increasingly nervous about it. It'll be fine. I hope.

I really can't wait for Friday evening because I just know I'm going to fall fast asleep.

Last night was the staff Christmas Party/Retirement Do for two of the teachers leavings this Christmas, including one from maths. I would imagine that there will be several teachers nursing poorly heads this morning.

Particular highlights included the Head of maths dueting with the retiring maths teachers on 'I got You Babe' in the karaoke and the TAs doing mum-style dancing accompanied by a few male teachers doing pissed-up style dancing.

The maths department tried to sing Simply the Best to our retiring colleague, but without the words it was difficult. We were able to cope with the chorus of course, but during the verses we could only really clap along, which given the rhythm on the song seemed more like a slow hand-clap.

I had a good conversation with someone from ICT who was saying that last year people in his department were wondering if I was seeing one of the English teachers. It was a whole are-they-aren't they scenario from their perspective. From mine it was a wish-we-were, from her's a no-way so nothing ever actually happened, but seeing as she's really very pretty I take it a compliment that anyone would think there was even a chance that she'd go for me.

One of my year elevens was working at the venue so whenever I ordered a drink from the bar she giggled at me. I was only on the Diet Cokes because I had to drive home afterwards but it made it very difficult to unwind. I'll bet that she's told her friends lots of stories about what their teachers were up to last night.

On the drive home I regretted my Secret Santa wishes for this year. I had wished for adventure and got one when I found a tree blocking my way. Fortunately someone was already stopped by the side of the road so I'd slowed down to check they were okay before having even seen the tree. Apparently someone had already come flying along right through the tree and kept going. From out point of view this was good as it had knocked the main bulk onto one side of the road. We were then able to move the remaining braches to the side and effectively re-open the road. It was a bit more excitiment than I had anticipated at one in the morning so I was relieved to get home afterwards.

After accidentally infering a year eight was a slag last week I was once again on fine form yesterday. Some of my year elevens were discussing the film Mean Girls and one of the boys was saying that looking at one of the characters from the film was like looking in a mirror.

'The gay one?' I suggested in all innocence, completely forgetting that this would now ruin the rest of his day. Possibly even the rest of his time at the school.

He wasn't refering to the big gay guy from the film - which based on the year eleven's stature would be a better lookalike - but the pretty boy in the Zac Teflon mould who ironically isn't gay and ends up geting together with Lindsay Lohan's character.

I think I accidentally caused a whole day's worth of bullying. I hang my head in shame.

In just over a week I will be dressed as a dwarf marrying the Head of English in goth-form.

I'm really struggling to remember why I thought volunteering for a role in the staff panto was a good idea.

One of the girls in my year ten class was off ill. Her friend still felt the need to tell me that 'Petula's off sick' when the 'I' next to her name on the register and the Petula sized hole next to her was a bit of a giveaway. I said that I hoped she got better soon

Fifteen minutes later and I'm informed that Petula says 'thanks'.

I dread to think how many text messages get sent when my back is turned.

I was hearing this lunchtime about several scandals to have haunted the school. This ranged from teachers turning up drunk - there was an incident with some stairs - through to a teacher snorting drugs that they'd bought from a pupil. A few years ago another teacher took his own life.

By far the worst involved a former head of science taking pictures of young girls and being thrown in jail for being part of a paedophile ring.

And I feel bad when I get a bit short-tempered with my pupils on Thursday afternoon.

Some of the maths teachers were saying our department was a bit boring because we never have any scandals, this was more in reference to drink and drugs than wishing someone would fill some kind of paedophile quota. I'd hate to think anyone would think my approach to teaching and life at school was boring though. Tomorrow I'm taking part in a film some of my year elevens are making for their media project and later on I'll be rehearsing for the staff panto. On the subject of which one of my year tens asked me this morning if I was a dwarf. I couldn't resist questioning whether he'd heard about the panto or was just being rude.

You can't accuse me of being dull, but it's just a slightly more innocent approach to things than stuffing drugs up my nose or falling around the corridors in a drunken stupor.

I have an unfortunate habit of saying the first thing that pops into my head without really considering what I'm actually saying. One girl in my year eight class was recently going out with a boy from my form. A couple of weeks later she was going out with a different boy, also from my form.

Somehow I managed to inadvertantly call her a slag, which I can assure you was not my intention. I think I made some flippant Friday afternoon comment along the lines of 'you get through them quick'. It probably wasn't quite the right thing to say to a twelve year old girl.

I also teach her sister in my year nine class so when I next saw her she asked why I'd called her sister a slag.

I felt quite bad about it. Next I'll be asking any thin looking children if they've made themselves throw up after their lunch. Or maybe I'll just tell any children from split families that it's their fault that mummy and daddy don't live together anymore.

I must be more careful what I say to my pupils.

I got my first Christmas card of the year this afternoon.

From a year nine boy.

That definitely wins the award for biggest surprise of 2008.

Even after two years of teaching I can't believe the cheek of some pupils. Most are absolutely fantastic polite young people but one or two need extra lessons in common courtesy. One boy in my year elevens apropos of nothing asked if I had a girlfriend. I pointed out to him that it wasn't anything to do with him, he then asked if I was a Master or a Mr. Which made about as much sense as it was about as relevant to solving quadratic equations.

When you've gotten to know pupils a bit you don't mind them knowing certain things about you but when you've only been teaching someone a few weeks their asking too many questions is nosey to the point of rudeness. Of course the assumption from such responses is that you don't, which is actually true at the moment but I'd give the same response either way as it really is a case of none-of-your-business.

While I tend to be cagey about the details of my personal life my pupils are much more open. One of my year eights came into her lesson this afternoon telling me that one of the boys in my form had dumped her at lunchtime. She seemed remarkably happy about it but seeing as two weeks ago she had been going out with another boy from my form I get the feeling it wasn't that serious. The original boyfriend had then gone out with someone else and had also dumped her this lunchtime. I don't think it was a good hour for young love.

It's quite sweet when they're in year eight talking about who they're going out with. A girl in my form told me she was going out with someone but he never talks to her. Based on what she said I'm not entirely sure that the boy actually knows he's going out with her. It's much nicer than hearing my year elevens talking about who shagged who last night. Though based on two of the girls in my year eleven class this morning I'm not sure how well they can remember anyway. They were very hungover, I actually let them drink lucozade because they were a sorry sight. Put it this way, I doubt they'll be going near any Apple Sourz for a while. Though I wasn't impressed when the lucozade was spilled on their desk, proving that children can't be trusted with anything other than water in a classroom. I'd say it's disappointing that they'd turn up to school in such a condition but I know of teachers who have done the same. A science teacher famously threw up in a bin on one occasion.

After a day of hearing far too much information about my pupils lives and having someone being far too inquisitive it was nice to have a lesson with my year nines where their main priority was learning maths. One girl was really struggling with the work and seemed to have some kind of mental block, I persevered with her and by the end of the lesson we managed to get it sorted. When she left the room she said 'thanks sir for learning me something new.'

I'd kind of hope that's what happens every time she comes into my classroom but it was really sweet. As a teacher I don't think you should expect your pupils to appreciate you, ultimately we're just there to do a job and they're the important people in the room, but it's nice when they do. Really I was just doing my job and it was like a moment from a cheesy advert for teaching but I loved it all the same.

Even though I've been looking out of my window at a bleak and rainy day I've been off school due to snow. As previously mentioned I live in a different climate to that in which I work.

The Head had assigned several of us roles as weather monitors so as I looked out on a dark wet street immediately after getting out of bed I would never have believed that I'd been having a day off. I went about my normal morning ritual of breakfast and getting ready. The Head rang me at 5:55am for my weather report of 'It's a bit sleety but that's about it', and in doing so probably set a new record for the earliest my phone has ever rung. It's not a record I want breaking any time soon either. However nearer to school they had a good few inches so she said there was still a possibility the school would be closed. I checked on the website quarter of an hour later and it was confirmed. Hence I found myself all dressed up with nowhere to go.

I was quite proud to be offering my services as a weatherman, ironically I had given serious consideration to going into meteorology so it was a glimpse of what might have been. Though I would imagine I'd be using more sophisticated technology than a security light lighting up my back garden to check on what was falling from the sky.

I've spent the day trying not to have any fun at all as I feel a complete fraud because of being on a snow day without seeing any snow. I've tried to avoid bumping into my neighbours as they'd think I was mad explaining that I couldn't get to work because of the weather.

With heavy snow forecast for tonight there's a high chance that our school will be closed tomorrow. As teachers come in from far and wide the Head has set-up a system of weather-reporters from several locations. I have been given this epic responsibility for my particular town. I say epic because I will receive a phone call from the Head at six in the morning and have to feed back on the weather. This means I have way too much responsibility as to whether the school stays open or not. If I say that it's completely impossible to even get out my front door then that will probably swing things the way of a shut sign hanging from the gates.

Other teachers have been coming up to me and encouraging me to make things sound really bleak and I'm feeling under pressure. I might take a ruler outside and actually measure the depth so then at least I'm only handing over hard facts rather than an opinion.

Besides even if it's so bakingly hot that the tarmac on my road is melting it's fairly irrelevant if the school's buried under an avalanche. Which isn't a completely unlikely scenario given the relative elevations of the two relevant towns.

I don't particularly like missing a day of school but so that I avoid any stick from other staff I hope we have to shut.

At half six this on my way to school it started snowing. A couple of years ago I made my way into school just as enough snow to keep all the penguins in the world happy fell on the ground, the school was anounced closed by half eight and I had to drive back home through a blizzard. Today my hope that I wouldn't face a similar scenario was realised and we managed to stay open, which was definitely a good call. Though at eight o'clock with snow still falling I wouldn't have wanted to be the Deputy Head making the decision. Okay, so I wouldn't ordinarily want to be the Deputy Head anyway as I have no interest in becoming a middle-aged woman, but it's a figure of speach.

Teaching in snow is a bit like driving, it's dangerous, tiring and your wheels spin alot. My year elevens seemed completely uninterested in factorising quadratic expressions for some bizarre reason. Most were sat with coats on protesting that it was snowing so they should be allowed to keep them on. It's a hard and fast rule so unless there is some extraordinary circumstance like a heating failure they take them off. I'd have had some sympathy but I was just wearing a shirt whereas my pupils had a school polo-shirt and jumper on so weren't exactly in a position to tell me it was cold. It took much coercion and my pointing out that it wasn't actually snowing inside to get 95% of them sat in the correct uniform, but one girl still refused. She then sort of took it off but still wore it like a cape and said: 'For fucks sake, you happy now?'

I wasn't really so had her removed. I've had numerous run-ins with her before and even her friends are getting tired of her, in the words of one them: 'why's she acting like such a knob?'

The Assistant Head came in towards the end to instruct me to alter my duty slightly from my nice cosy position in the corridor to outside stopping snowball fights (we allocate an area on the astro-turf for them to go nuts but don't allow it elsewhere). I guess I achieved that aim as the moment I stepped outside I was peppered by shots from year tens. Let's face it, it had to be done - I was like an apple to William Tell - so I didn't go overboard on the nagging front. At least they weren't whitewashing each other.

Later my year tens came in looking rather drenched. One girl in particular looked as though she had been trying to make a snowman from the inside out. She asked if I had a mirror so she could check how she looked. Seeing as her eyeliner was half-way to Australia I obliged, which was kind of ironic as the mirror I gave her had been confiscated from someone using it in a lesson.

Last lesson of the day I was actually being observed, it wasn't the best occasion or time for an observation but it was with some year sevens so I easily got a 'good', which was, er, good I suppose. A lot of them kept asking to go to the toilet, not because they needed it but probably because they wanted to check on the snow.

I left school just a few minutes after the bell had gone as I didn't fancy driving on the roads as it got colder. I'm currently sat in the cold as my heating isn't due to come on until my normal home-time. My year elevens would hate it.