It Shouldn't Happen to a Teacher

On the last day of the term I did a little quiz with my form. One of the rounds was of famous faces that they had to put a name to. I included a picture of Jeremy Paxman and it had one of the boys thinking hard.

'Oh I know this one, it's that bloke from Question Time'

'You're on the right track, I think it's Newsnight you're thinking of'

A few minutes later the boy pipes up again:

'I've got it! It's Trevor McDonald!'

Sports Day rolled around once more and as with last year I took part in the staff ninety-six metre dash (our astro isn't quite long enough). I'd love to say I put in a creditable performance and gave a good account of myself, but in all honesty I was crap. I was fifth, which sounds respectable but there were only five runners to start with and I was so far behind at the finish that I almost feel too embarrassed to claim the place. Some of my year tens found me later on and when I described my race it was thus:

I started slowly and soon fell behind, then I fell a bit further behind in the middle and at the end they all finished, then it was pause...pause... a slightly longer pause... and then I crossed the line.

They debated that there should in fact have been another pause in there. I still got a huge cheer though; these kids are far too easy to impress. Lots of people, both pupils and staff, said well done to me. I wasn't sure if they were being ironic or patronising. All except one year seven who told me in no uncertain terms that I was rubbish at running. I appreciated her candidness and had to agree. In all fairness to myself the other teachers taking part actually do a fair bit of recreational running whereas my last sprint was exactly one year ago in exactly the same place. And I bet they don't know pi to fifty decimal places either.

One of the senior teachers said to me that perhaps it was an indication to slow down in life, though I'd say a lack of speed was the problem in the first place. I like my beer and chocolate too much to be a health freak. I'm really quite thin but I give scant regard to fitness and physical prowess. I don't think I helped my cause this afternoon by polishing off a tube of Pringles last night while watching a film. As an aside it was Singin in the Rain, which thankfully we weren't doing today. I probably ought to try to keep in shape better but that can start tomorrow (all the best diets start tomorrow) because I had fish and chips tonights. To my credit I bought some 99 calorie bottles of Carling, and no it was just lots of small bottles. That represents progress.

As far as running in Sports Day goes I'll probably do the same again next year, and with the same result. When we're picking teams for Sports Day and our termly Team Sports competitions I'm always banging on to my form about how it's an achievement just to take part so I think it's important that I practise what I preach. I'd also like to think I'm proof that it's okay to suck at something.

'Sir where do babies come from?'

'Well, when a mummy and daddy love each other very much they pray to God to send them a baby and if they're lucky the stork delivers them one nine months later.'

'But what about unwanted babies and teenage pregnancies?'

'That's the stork's evil twin.'

It's interesting the effect you can have on a classroom by simply glancing inside it. I was walking past a science room and as I looked in I caught the eye of one of the girls who had been on the Scotland trip last week. She must have made some comment about my presence as two seconds later she was being told to be quiet by her teacher.

I continued walking past and had a quick chuckle to myself.

Each year we run an Activity Day featuring a variety of different trips for the pupils. One of which is Alton Towers and this is where I was sent this time around. It's great because it's something that the kids really enjoy, though to be honest it's my idea of hell: lots of screaming, obtrusive music being played everywhere, fast food and far too many people. Bah Humbug. It's a far cry from being buried in the sand on a quiet Scottish beach as I was the same time last week. I know which I prefer.

Thankfully it was a nice group of staff that went so it was all very pleasant from that point of view. We didn't have much chance to go on any rides ourselves as we had to be on duty, as it were, at specific times at certain points so that the pupils could find us if they had any problems. We helped reunite some year sevens who had lost one member of their group. They were all in tears as though their friend had gone MIA in Vietnam. You couldn't help but feel sorry for them, I find Alton Towers a stressful enough place so heaven knows what it's like for a twelve year old who has lost all her mates.

Good deed for the day done I escaped to the gardens for a bit and stumbled across some lads - not from our school I hasten to add - smoking something that didn't smell quite like ordinary cigarettes. I was tempted to ask for a quick drag myself.

At the end of the day we had some pupils late back to the meeting point, which really hacked everyone off, both pupils and staff, especially as it was bucketing down with rain by that time. As I said it's my idea of hell, but at least it was nice to see all these smiling faces on the bus on the way home.

I don't know if you've noticed but at the moment Blowin' in the Wind is being used on a TV commercial. On our trip to Scotland we had a television in the kitchen and it came on.

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?

One of the girls chirps up with 'fifty'

Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?

'three'

Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?

'ten'

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Oh no it isn't Bob, it's coming right out of a fourteen year old's mouth. She's quite a character and I mean that in a good way. She wanted to add me as a friend on Facebook and set me as being married to her. I then played a describing game where I was explaining why I couldn't let this happen without using the word 'paedophile', 'nonce' or 'lengthy jail sentence'. One of the boys then chipped in with 'he can't because then he'd be a paedo!'

It's probably a little harsh to brand someone a 'paedo' for being friends with a minor on Facebook but at least he was on the right sort of track. I love working with kids; they're so straight to the point.

They say it's nice to go away, but it's always nice to come back. I disagree. I think it's great to go away and bloody hard work coming back. Today was my first day in school after the trip to Scotland with the year nines and it was hell. I managed to royally piss off one of my colleagues by asking her for a report for a pupil in my form that I later realised she had already written (will apologise tomorrow), I really yelled at my year sevens because they weren't shutting up and forgot that I had booked a computer room period five, thus letting the opportunity for a more peaceful lesson go to waste. I felt dreadful by the end of the day and really annoyed with myself for being rubbish.

As far as the behaviour is concerned I should be patient with my pupils because some of it is just exuberance because we're near the end of term, but to be honest quite of a lot of it is just unnecessary and irritating.

Thankfully no day in school is ever all bad because there's so many pupils, certainly at our school, that are simply awesome. It was fantastic bumping into some of the year nines that had been on the trip in the corridors because we were able to reminisce about the past week. My face lit up whenever I saw any of them. It's amazing what doing these kinds of things do for your relationship with the pupils. There were a lot of in-jokes about skipping and 'poon'. I wish I was back in Scotland.

For the second year in a row I was offered the chance to go to Scotland on a trip with some year nines. For the second year in a row I had a great time. It's always nice to get away for a bit and it's great to see the pupils in a more relaxed environment. It was a little different from last year's trip because I'm a little bit older and possibly wiser, though that's open to debate. This year I also knew a few more of the pupils, if nothing else making learning their names far easier. There are several activities that the pupils do in the five days we're actually there. Here are a few highlights from the trip.

Gorge Walking

The big thing that I did this year that I didn't do last year was to go gorge walking. The idea being to eschew the common sense of walking alongside a stream and to wander up the middle instead, getting very wet in the process. It's good fun and along the way involved several opportunities to submerge yourself in a Scottish stream. Along the way I managed to beat the pupils at a holding your breath competition. Not exactly the most dramatic of victories but at least I proved that I have a better lung capacity than your average teenager.

I Can't Believe I Get Paid for This

These trips are always fun but it helps if the kids are nice. We split them into groups of around eight or nine pupils when they do the activities and for most of the week I was with possibly the nicest children on the planet. They were notable for being pupils I had actually heard of for positive reasons. Most of the time when you hear a name in the staffroom it's because it belongs to a pain in the neck. These kids though were amazing. There were even occasions when they burst into cheerful song as they were walking along. It was like taking the von Trapps away for a week.

Skippy

Three years into my proper teaching career and I'm still plenty capable of getting myself into some daft situations. So when two of the girls asked if I would skip with them along the beach it doesn't take a genius to guess at my response. The question is how many Maths teachers would skip along a beach with two of their pupils, and how many Maths teachers would anyone think to ask in the first place. I think there's a video of it somewhere so stay tuned to YouTube.

Language Barriers

I think we must have taken the most sex-obsessed boys in the country this year. Every conversation they had seemed to involve the word 'poon'. They couldnt' get enough of it. I'm not sure any of them managed to go more than five minutes without bringing it up. Funnily enough they were using the word because they didn't think the teachers would knwo what it meant, how very naive of them. Thinking about it they were probably only averagely obsessed with poon by teenage boy standards.

Charging My Torch

We needed torches with us this year and I had brought along one that you charge up by shaking. I guess you could shake it using a variety of techniques, but some are more familiar than others, much to the amusement of the pupils. This led to some bizarre comments from the boys of 'I'm just going to charge my torch'.

All in all a good trip. Only 357 days until the next one.